I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
