how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
