I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize