I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize