just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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