My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
