I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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