Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
