if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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