Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
