No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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