p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
