a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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