Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize