i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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