he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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