If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
