My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
