I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
