I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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