One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
