The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
