I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
