your thong is hanging out like whoa
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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