I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
