I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
