I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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