Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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