do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
