I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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