Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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