After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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