Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
