never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
