Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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