You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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