uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
