he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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