Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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