I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
