I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think your dad took our porno
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
