I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize