The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize