I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize