I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
