i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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