I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
