I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
