you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
