The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
