For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
