Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This house was built for laser tag.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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