The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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