"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
