Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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