I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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